Monday, November 15, 2010

A Merry Heart Doeth Good . . .

SUNDAYS "BESTEST"  

Church
    One  Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son  and tell him it was time to get ready for  church, to which he replied, "I'm not  going."
    "Why  not?" she  asked.
I'll  give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they  don't like me, and (2), I don't like  them."
    His  mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons  why YOU SHOULD go to church.  (1) You're 59  years old, and (2) you're the  pastor!"

The  Picnic
  A  Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the  town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends,  they began their usual  banter.
    "This  baked ham is really delicious," the priest  teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I  know it's against your religion, but I can't  understand why such a wonderful food should be  forbidden! You don't know what you're missing.  You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs.  Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me,  Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try  it?"
    The  rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and  said, "At your  wedding."

The  Usher
An  elderly woman walked into the local country  church. The friendly usher greeted her at the  door and helped her up the flight of  steps,  "Where would you like to sit?" he  asked  politely.
    "The  front row please," she  answered.
    "You  really don't want to do that," the usher said  "The pastor is really  boring."
    "Do  you happen to know who I am?" the woman  inquired.
    "No."  he said.
    "I'm  the pastor's mother," she replied  indignantly.
    "Do  you know who I am?" he  asked.
    "No."  she said.
    "Good,"  he answered.

Show  and Tell
   A  kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and  tell" assignment.  Each student was  instructed to bring in an object to share with  the class that represented their religion. The  first student got up in front of the class and  said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and  this is a Star of  David.."
    The  second student got up in front of the class and  said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this  is a  Rosary."
    The  third student got in up front of the class and  said, "My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and  this is a  casserole."

The   Best Way To Pray
   A  priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the  best positions for prayer, while a telephone  repairman worked  nearby.
    "Kneeling  is definitely the best way to pray," the priest  said.
    "No,"  said the minister. "I get the best results  standing with my hands outstretched to  Heaven."
    "You're  both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective  prayer position is lying down on the  floor."
    The  repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey,  fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I  ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from  a telephone  pole."

The  Twenty and the  One
   A  well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly  distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a  Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they  moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they  struck up a conversation.  The  twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels  all over the  country.
    "I've  had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed.  "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City ,  the finest restaurants in New York ,  performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to  the Caribbean  "
    "Wow!"  said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an  exciting  life!"
    "So  tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been  throughout your  lifetime?"
    The  one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the   Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the   Lutheran Church  ."
    The  twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a  church?"

Goat  for  Dinner
   The  young couple invited their elderly pastor for  Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen  preparing the meal, the minister asked their son  what they were having. "Goat," the little boy  replied.
    "Goat?"  replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you  sure about  that?"
    "Yep,"  said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom,  'Today is just as good as any to have the old  goat for  dinner."

Lord,  keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand  over my mouth !!!    AMEN.

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