On Growing Up

On Growing Up

Grandpa to Adalyn: What do you want to be when you grow up Addie? Adalyn: Hmm - I think I'll be an old maid.

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Q: Did worms live in apples on the ark?
A: No, they had to be in pears.

hahahahahahahahahaha

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):

A kindergarten teacher was walking around observing her classroom of children while they were drawing pictures. As she got to one girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
      The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
      The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
      Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
 
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
      Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping"
 
At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
      Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
      Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Lot again... A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt."
      His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
 


It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.
      "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him.
      "Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up."
 
The Sunday School teacher was describing that when Lot's wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt, when Bobby interrupted. "My mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced, "and she turned into a telephone pole."
After explaining the commandment to honor your father and mother, a Sunday School teacher asked her class if there was a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters.
      One boy, the oldest in his family, immediately answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

:) HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA :)

What is your excuse for gaining weight?  

Shampoo Warning: I figured out why I've gained weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "for extra volume and body." Going to start using Dawn dish washing soap. It says "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Bird Watching


“Today we are talking about politics,” the teacher told her class.  “Does anyone have something to say about politics?”
“I have something to say,” said one little girl.  “My father has a parrot and we call her Polly.  One day Polly ate my father’s watch.  Now Polly ticks.”



Farmer’s Flu
Farm Jones was sitting in the cafe having a cup of coffee when Farmer Brown walked in.  “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.”  he said to his friend.
“Yeah,” replied Farmer Brown.  “I’ve had a real bad bout with the flu.  first the doctor thought I had bird flu, so he gave me the regular tweetment.  When that did not do any good, he decided it must be the swine ful.  So he gave me some special oinkment.”
Fighting Fire
A few years ago, I was teaching Sunday school to kids ages 5-8.  After we had finished the story in which God sends the fire down from heaven, I decided to find out how closely they had listened.
“What did God send down from heaven?”  I asked don little boy.
He couldn’t remember.  But his older brother knew the answer and wanted to give him a hint.  Their father was with the local fire department, so his hint was:  “What does Daddy fight?”
The young brother became all excited and replied, “Mom!”
No More Grass
“Doctor, I don’t know what’s wrong,” my mother complained when she went for her annual physical.  “All I ever eat is greens, but I still keep gaining weight.”
The doctor replied,  “Well, remember that all elephants ever eat is grass!”

Which one?
Four college students taking chemistry all had good grades as they approached the final exam.  They were so confident about passing the course that they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.  After all the partying, they slept through the rest of the weekend and didn’t make it back to school until after the exam on Monday.
The told their professor that they missed the final because they had visited friends, and that on the way back they’d had a flat tire.  The professor agreed to let them make up the exam the following day.
They studied that night and went in the next morning felling very cocky.  The professor placed them in separate rooms and gave each a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first question, worth five points.  cool, thy thought, each in his separate room  This is going to be easy. 
Then they each turned to the second page and found this written across the top:  “For 95 points, which tire?”

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Should I get a dog?

2. OR…………………………………………
Should I have children?

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One of our Grand Daughters seemed to be continually making a lot of gibberish talk.  She does this often and sometimes for long periods of time ignoring all else.  One day her daddy was scolding her for this and firmly told her to stop.  She looked at him and said, “Daddy, I am just trying to talk in Portuguese.”    By the way they are first term missionaries to Brazil.

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Our Grand son, J.D., tripped and fell one night and his response was:
"I dropped myself."

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SUNDAYS "BESTEST"  

Church    One  Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son  and tell him it was time to get ready for  church, to which he replied, "I'm not  going."
    "Why  not?" she  asked.
I'll  give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they  don't like me, and (2), I don't like  them."
    His  mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons  why YOU SHOULD go to church.  (1) You're 59  years old, and (2) you're the  pastor!"

The  Picnic  A  Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the  town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends,  they began their usual  banter.
    "This  baked ham is really delicious," the priest  teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I  know it's against your religion, but I can't  understand why such a wonderful food should be  forbidden! You don't know what you're missing.  You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs.  Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me,  Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try  it?"
    The  rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and  said, "At your  wedding."

The  UsherAn  elderly woman walked into the local country  church. The friendly usher greeted her at the  door and helped her up the flight of  steps,  "Where would you like to sit?" he  asked  politely.
    "The  front row please," she  answered.
    "You  really don't want to do that," the usher said  "The pastor is really  boring."
    "Do  you happen to know who I am?" the woman  inquired.
    "No."  he said.
    "I'm  the pastor's mother," she replied  indignantly.
    "Do  you know who I am?" he  asked.
    "No."  she said.
    "Good,"  he answered.

Show  and Tell
   A  kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and  tell" assignment.  Each student was  instructed to bring in an object to share with  the class that represented their religion. The  first student got up in front of the class and  said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and  this is a Star of  David.."
    The  second student got up in front of the class and  said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this  is a  Rosary."
    The  third student got in up front of the class and  said, "My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and  this is a  casserole."

The   Best Way To Pray
   A  priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the  best positions for prayer, while a telephone  repairman worked  nearby.
    "Kneeling  is definitely the best way to pray," the priest  said.
    "No,"  said the minister. "I get the best results  standing with my hands outstretched to  Heaven."
    "You're  both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective  prayer position is lying down on the  floor."
    The  repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey,  fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I  ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from  a telephone  pole."

The  Twenty and the  One   A  well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly  distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a  Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they  moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they  struck up a conversation.  The  twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels  all over the  country.
    "I've  had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed.  "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City ,  the finest restaurants in New York ,  performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to  the Caribbean  "
    "Wow!"  said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an  exciting  life!"
    "So  tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been  throughout your  lifetime?"
    The  one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the   Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the   Lutheran Church  ."
    The  twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a  church?"

Goat  for  Dinner   The  young couple invited their elderly pastor for  Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen  preparing the meal, the minister asked their son  what they were having. "Goat," the little boy  replied.
    "Goat?"  replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you  sure about  that?"
    "Yep,"  said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom,  'Today is just as good as any to have the old  goat for  dinner."

Lord,  keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand  over my mouth !!!    AMEN

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Audrey and Addy's daddy was skinning a deer in order to put some food in the freezer.  He was part way finished with some of the skin pulled back.  As Addy looked on, she said, "He looks like a deer in his PJ's with the arms pulled up."
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JD stomach was rumbling and he was hungry.  He told mommy, "There's thunder in my tummy, Mommy.

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Grandpa was watching JD and Addy during choir practice.  They were "leading their own choirs", singing with open hymn books in front of them and waving their arms.   Addy sings so well and can make up a tune in a hurry.  She was singing lots of words that did not even make sense, so Grandpa asked her what she was singing.  Her answer:  "I'm singing in Spanish."  


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JD "escaped" from grandpa tonight while being babysat during choir practice. When he returned, Grandpa told him if you touch the doorknob, you might get a whippin', to which Addy exclaimed "I never touch door knobs, Praise the Lord, I won't get a whippin'.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

OR Sometimes Slightly Scrambled!

May you always have

Love to Share,

Health to Spare,

and Friends that Care!

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One day a grandson asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

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Kid's Finishing Sayings:

First Graders were given the first half of a proverb and asked to finish it.

1. As you shall make your bed so shall you...Mess it up.
2. Better Be safe than ... punch a 5th grader.
3. Strike while the ....bug is close.
4. It is always darkest before...daylight saving time.
5. Never under estimate the power of ... termites
6. You can lead a horse to water but...how?
7. Don't bit the hand that....looks dirty.
8. Now news is ....impossible.
9. A miss is as good as a ...Mr.
10. You can't teach an old dog new...math.
11. If you lie down with the dogs, you'll...stink in the morning.
12. Love all, trust...me.
13. The pen is mightier than the...pigs.
14. An idle mind is...the best way to relax.
15. Where there is smoke, there is...pollution.
16. Happy the bride who....gets all the presents.
17. A penny saved is... not much.
18. Two's company, three's...the musketeers.

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 The pastor’s little six-year-old girl had misbehaved so much during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment.  She told her she could not go to the Sunday School picnic on Saturday.
When  the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh on changed her mind.  when she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
“What’s the matter?  I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic,”  her mother said.
“It’s too late!”  the little girl said.  “I’ve already prayed for rain.”

Things Our Mothers Taught Us

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re gong to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. “you better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m gong to knock you into the middle of the next week!”
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you are in an accident.”
7. My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of your looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait till we get home.” or “Just wait until your father gets home.”
13. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”
14. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE. “if you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stick that way.”
15. My mother taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
16. My mother taught me HUMOR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
17. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
18. My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”
19. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?
20. My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.
21. My mother taught me to meet a CHALLENGE. “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!”
22. My mother taught me to THINK AHEAD. “If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”
23. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!”

PUNS FOR THE EDUCATED MIND

1. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
2.    A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
3.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 
4. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 
5. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 
6. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
7. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 
8. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
9. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
10.  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 
11. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 
12. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 
13. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 
14.  A backward poet writes inverse. 
15.  In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 
16. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 
17.  If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine . 
18. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'  
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 
20. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 
21.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
22. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did. 

hahahahahahahahaha

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too, especially chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders, “Guess where I am now….

The Picnic

 A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. “This baked ham is really delicious,” the Priest teased the Rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you are missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?” The Rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.” 

The Best way to Pray

 A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby “Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said. “No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.” “You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.” The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.

I love to laugh.  Recently a friend shared some of these cartoons on facebook so I thought I would add them to my fun stuff.
Enjoy!